


we ran out of time

by MasterEyebrow



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Implied Suicidal Behaviour, M/M, Overdose, Substance Abuse, self-destructive behaviour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-21 15:57:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11947632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MasterEyebrow/pseuds/MasterEyebrow
Summary: Overdose, no memory of last night and his ex - a moment from Nico's life, post-breakup.





	we ran out of time

**Author's Note:**

> something quick, something angsty, something dealing with illegal activities and bad life choices, that's what my writing is made of. because i write TOO MUCH HAPPY BOTTBERG RIGHT HAHAHAhahaha, also i probably have a thing for hospitals bc i've written A ZILLION FICS that have a hospital scene or something

First thing Nico becomes aware of is the weight of himself, too heavy and too much everywhere, and then comes the disorientation of everything; where, when, what for is he, why does he feel so disgusting and dead. And after that, the nausea, followed by sore throat and the distinct feeling of something not being quite right.

He opens his eyes, and it’s a gross minty white existence that greets him. Hospital. ER. Either of those. Whatever happened last night he survived, but Nico’s not sure if he wants to remember what it was and why it got him here.

“Feeling dead?” someone says, and even in his confused state Nico can detect the bitterness – and it’s not just someone, it’s Someone, it’s The One, it’s Him, and it’s the last person Nico wants to be here with him.

“Why are you here?” Nico rasps, turns where the voice came from and he sees Valtteri sitting on a chair next to his bed, very tired and very exasperated and very, very worn, and Nico knows there’s a very good reason for that and that he’s the reason and – ugh.

“Because someone should, and if it wasn’t for me you’d be dead”, Valtteri answers and he probably wants to sound pissed but it comes out more hurt, and that’s probably closer to the truth. “In case you’re wondering, you overdosed last night.”

Nico feels shameful. The familiar tension in Valtteri’s form doesn’t make it any easier, and he really doesn’t deserve it easier.

“Sounds about right”, he says, voice hoarse. “Why you, though?”

Valtteri’s mouth is a thin line, foot jiggling nervously and he looks like he doesn’t want to be there anymore. Of course he doesn’t. He’s likely seen enough for a lifetime tonight, not that he hadn’t before.

“I came to return some of your stuff to your place. You didn’t open the door so I just took the liberty to come in, I mean I had your key – and yeah. I open the door, and there you are.”

“Passed out?”

“No. I open the door, and you’re standing there, staring at me with crazy eyes, and I know right away what’s up with you, because it’s you, of course it’s the same fucking thing. And then you go down, just – fall flat on your back and black out.”

Nico closes his eyes, wants to throw up and feel shitty for that just to get the guilt aside so he doesn’t have to feel shitty about _that_.

“Fuck.”

“Yeah”, Valtteri sighs. “And I try to keep you alive and call an ambulance and you’re almost choking to death because you’re vomiting and barely breathing.”

“I’m sorry.”

It’s this exact thing all over again. They’ve done this so many times, the script a little different every time but the plot is same. Only this one wasn’t supposed to be, not for Valtteri at least. They’re finished. There’s not more they, them, whatever, it was over for them. It’s over for them because of this shit, but no. Even breakup won’t end the circle, Valtteri somehow still has to come to his rescue.

Valtteri stares down at his feet. He’s got his angry-and-sad-and-disappointed shoulders, forced to sag.

“There was a bottle of hard liquor there. With pills”, Valtteri says. Nico swallows, winces at the feeling in his throat.

“Be honest with me”, Valtteri continues, and his internal struggle with the topic is clear to Nico, and is killing him. “Were you trying to kill yourself?”

Valtteri doesn’t look at him, nervously rubs his hands together. Nico blinks. It’s hazy, he doesn’t remember any of what Valtteri has told him but he knows it’s true, it sounds exactly like him. Yesterday’s record doesn’t come to him at all.

“I don’t know”, Nico replies. “I don’t remember.”

The sounds of the environment echo in their silence, beeps and phones and people, hard steps that lose their volume into the vastness and a continuous buzz of something. Nico feels awful, physically speaking, but if it was just that he could bear it; the situation as whole is what he doesn’t want to be a part of. It all would’ve been just so much easier if Valtteri had dumped him here and left and never looked back so neither of them would have to face each other here and now. Maybe Valtteri wanted that too, but he’s the one who had to see Nico fuck himself up again, so this might just be a petty revenge served in the form of guilt.

“You’re so smart and so fucking stupid”, Valtteri mumbles, uncharacteristically aggressive. Once again, there’s a million things he wants to say and Nico deserves to hear, but it’s such a Valtteri thing to restrain himself and never say anything with severe consequences. It’s a miracle how he managed to bring himself to the point of leaving Nico in the first place. Then again, here he is again, has dragged Nico back to life and stood in guard while he comes to his senses.

“I called your parents. They were out of country”, Valtteri says. He’s staring outside to avoid Nico’s eyes. Figures. “They asked me to stay here with you.”

“Oh.”

It’s kind of sadistic, Nico thinks, how he’d rather have Valtteri stay on his own accord rather than on the request of his former in-laws. Nico’s parents were always nice to Valtteri, though, so he probably doesn’t want any extra distress for them – so for their sake, he’d stay with their mess of a son, his despicable ex.

Valtteri has always been too kind.

“You said that you’d stop when we broke up.”

“Yeah. I did.”

“Why are you here, then?”

“I… started again.”

“Why?”

Nico shrugs dumbly. Now he’s the one avoiding Valtteri and his judging gaze.

“You can leave if you want. I’m fine”, Nico says. Valtteri scoffs harshly.

“Déjà vu”, he barks. “You said that when I left.”

“Stay away then, pretend I’m fine. We don’t have to do this. We’re finished.”

“Don’t piss yourself”, Valtteri sighs, rolling his eyes. “I won’t come for you after this for sure. It’s a promise.”

And once upon a time that would’ve broken Nico’s heart and driven him to the gutter, but he’s not that far from there at the moment and those words just give him relief – it’s funny, the same reason that could’ve ruined him now makes him wish for this very thing. Nico loves Valtteri, he’ll never stop loving him, but he can’t keep him. They’ve ran out of time and Nico has hurt Valtteri enough.

Nico turns his head, heavy like lead. Valtteri’s there, frustrated and worried and what is the saddest of all, Nico knows how much he still cares for him, that there’s still love there.

“You’re so beautiful”, Nico says softly.

Valtteri stares him, eyes hard, and looks down.

“Shut up.”


End file.
